I keep restarting this blog post like one of these times, the magic will fly through my fingertips and I’ll finally get what I’m trying to say onto this page – the answer is that it won’t. No matter how hard I try to be poetic about what I am feeling these days, it comes out as if I just write ‘blah’ over and over again. So I guess this is starting over. And over. And over.
I’ve found some good music recently so that’s cool. A lot of new stuff came out on January 26th which was weird but I’ll run with it. That’s also the day that things restarted again. I left home on January 15th and returned on January 26th. I did a lot of thinking and searching while I was gone. I mean I wasn’t really gone but I was gone. I went to a youth shelter and tried to sort some parts of me out. Except I didn’t really sort anything out other than to realize that I have been pretending for so long that I know exactly what I need and don’t want to give that power to anyone else. And that I’ve been running for a while from anything that might actually help me.
Hard to explain but the only solid diagnosis I can run with right now is my eating disorder. I was never fully diagnosed with depression and my GAD (anxiety) was diagnosed at a very young age. So really, nothing is set in stone because mental health fluctuates with time…as does anything else !! really !! So now I am home and hoping to get a real solid diagnosis and some direction of what to treat it with. I’ve been throwing towels on a flood FOR YEARS and let me tell you something, it’s NOT working. So I’m looking for something that might work better. Something that might hold.
I’ve been losing faith in myself, my parents, the system and God for a while now. I’m really unsure of where I’m going or what I’m doing right now. I’ve been running from what I think is one answer to another and its just making things worse right now. Nothing is getting better and it’s exhausting and all I do is KEEP IT TO MYSELF. How are people so open with everything except what is really happening???????
This is about the time in a post where I would pledge to something but I can’t because I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring or the next day or the next day. I’m not sure how to live for the day but I sure as heck cannot live for whatever life is going to throw in my face. It’s just not ideal.
I just want to be #livingmybestlife and right now, that’s just taking small steps forward. Kicking ass slowly.