I wish that I could accept support when it was offered to me. I’m engaging in a lot of behaviours, even as I reassure all of my friends that I am completely fine; that I am in a good space to be the support.
Some context is that for the past 3ish months, I have been the main support of some close friends. And I have done as much as possible to do this. For the past month specifically, I have held myself together in order to hold all of them together. And it’s exhausting. It wasn’t until this weekend that I realized I couldn’t keep going like this.
I have what’s called Dysthymia or what some call “High-Functioning Depression” and oh I am so high-functioning. So much that I like to deny it most of the time but I recognize the dangers of that because of the lack of care I have towards myself. For the past month, I have been doing everything at 100% full-throttle in fear that someone may see through a crack or I may have too much time to think. Basically, if I’m not moving forward or being productive, I’m not doing anything worthwhile.
So imagine the dangers of when your friends are in crisis and you put all of your mental strength into supporting them because it’s all you know how to do and then you are running low on steam but have a full time placement (starting tomorrow) AND a part time job and parents to keep happy and friends to reassure. Would you be able to do it all? Probably not…
Yet here I am, trying to do it all. And I am breaking. I have not been in crisis for months…minus one night when my drug use got really bad.
For the first month or so after treatment, I was living with my parents and spent most of my time in bed with little to no energy. And then I left for the youth shelter where I spent most of my time sleeping in a commons area or searching for jobs…and using drugs. And then I moved back to my parents for 2 weeks and forced myself to get a part time job so that I had a reason to leave the house and I was miserable. And then I moved back into the shelter, worked my job, used almost everyday, and supported my friends. And then I quit my job, began using everyday…basically, got introduced to harder drugs; used to not feel and then crashed so badly that I would use right after. And then I applied for a full time job training/placement program, slept everyday, and tried to cut down on using. Eventually, I got so high that I couldn’t feel my face because it was so numb from being so high…it was terrifying.
And then I got sober because of the job program, because my friends needed me, because I was so tired of trying to numb everything and FINALLY had some goals.
Here is my current list of goals:
- College in the Fall (2018)
- Recovery from my eating disorder
- Housing/Save for an apartment
- Hold at least 1 job
- Continue photography
- Work for at least 1 publication
- Rebuild my relationship w/ parents
- Work through trauma
- Visit my grandfather
- Stay out of the hospital
Seems pretty easy but it’s actually terrifying how difficult this feels right now. I feel like I’m climbing the side of a cliff. I can’t be in crisis because others need me right now. I hate when people ask me what I need because I honestly don’t know. I can’t express my depressive thoughts because they don’t exist. My passive suicidal thoughts are second nature to me at this point. Nothing is changing but I have to stay okay because I don’t know what else to do.
Here are some webpages that might help you understand what this is like or maybe you can relate to: