healing.

This past week has been busy. I finished my second year of university, accepted my college offer, and spent a lot of time at the children’s hospital visiting a friend. A friend that I hold very near to my heart and pray to God to give her strength constantly. Nonetheless, this meant visiting the hospital.

Hospitals. 

Oh how I wish I didn’t have to step foot in one ever again. Although there seems to be a difference between visiting others and going for yourself. You see, I spent a lot of high school in waiting rooms and doctors offices. I know hospital layouts like the back of my hand and can tell you the exact layout of the rooms I frequented the most often. But I would never go back in time and relive any of that. For a while, visiting friends at hospitals felt strange. Like I was going through a time warp and all of a sudden, I needed to be sick again. But the truth is, I was never sick enough to be admitted so I don’t need to be now.

My friend is sick. With many different chronic and mental illnesses who bounce behaviours and symptoms off each other erratically to create a dangerous tornado of issues. It’s sad to see her lying in a medical bed, hooked up to an IV with a tube down her throat to eat. But I know that she is strong and courageous and trying to live through it. She’s still surviving and staying strong, so I will stay strong for her. Today we were told that they are moving her to the locked psychiatric ward to deal with her eating disorder a little more focused and supported which means I will no longer be able to support her physically. I will only be able to send thoughts of strength and love and courage through God. I wish that things were different right now but I know it’s something she needs and I think deep down, she knows this too.

This week I laughed as I thought about all the changes that are happening in my life currently. Both negative and positive changes of course. This week I am going back to the high school that I graduated from and telling my teachers about the changes that I am making to my life. Like how I’m changing programs “drastically” or about my booked tattoo that I am getting next week or my trips into the US for concerts next month. What about how I passed an exam that had math on it? Or how I got a full-time, well paid job for the next 4 months? That I am a year self harm free? All of these are amazing things and definitely changes to be proud of. So I am.

I am also visiting a hospital on Friday though. Shocker I am sure lol. The hospital that I attended 5 days a week for 9 hours for 4 months during senior year. The place that helped me learn how to cope with gaining weight and completing school work and eating 3 meals/2 snacks all at once. The place where I completed a fucking journey and pulled myself out of my eating disorder two years ago. I am so happy to be going back and seeing the CYC’s that helped me so much.

Healing happens constantly. Shape shifting as we move from one part of life to the next. It can be messy and upsetting and difficult and slow, but it still happens.

Change is inevitable. Live it. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. – Deuteronomy 31:6

change.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a list called ‘A List of Change‘ and it feels more relevant now then it did before. I wrote this a couple months after leaving treatment for the second time and not knowing what I was going to do. The universe is huge and this is my way of making my place known.


Change your surroundings, move away, change of scenery is always good.

This could be moving away or moving things around. This could be going on a road trip or plane ride. This could be changing schools. A breath of fresh air and time and life. Take charge. Let go. Find some piece of universe for yourself.

Cut your hair short, so short that you cut away all the bad and only leave the good.

I so badly want to cut the negativity out of my life. Leave it in the dust. Behind. Goodbye. It’s not that easy, I know. But I can make it easier than I have been. Hair holds this weight that you don’t need anymore. Leave it on the floor and grow out of what you are leaving behind. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THINGS BEHIND.

Give away the clutter. Give away the trinkets from all the bad years.

I’m not going to lie, I am somewhat of a hoarder. I keep everything. Movie tickets, tests from high school, pens that long ago ran out of ink. It’s all in my bed room. Why? Because I might need it some day? In reality, I’ll probably never need that math test I flunked in grade 8 or the dirty bandana I wore tied around my arm when I visited Nicaragua in grade 10. It’s all just material items that I am so tied to that I don’t want to get rid of. But materialistic items aren’t what I need to keep, it’s the memories I am refreshed with every time I come across something from years ago.

Contrary to whatever you may believe, getting rid of these items won’t get rid of the memories. So make some room, you’ve got adventures to take and memories to make!

Strip the walls of all the memories and posters you’ve held onto for so long.

My walls were plastered with posters and memories throughout high school. In grade 10/11, I had a mild obsession with Demi Lovato and covered an entire wall with photos of her and her lyrics. In grade 12, I ripped that down and started over with bands that meant a lot too me and art work that either I loved or I had created. It was a masterpiece within itself. By first year, I decided to change that again and ripped it down. My walls are bare now, except for the dried tack on the walls that wouldn’t come off easily.

I wanted those memories gone. The ‘Stay Strong’ taped above my bed for the multiple rough nights, the pyramid of positive quotes, the photos with people I was no longer in contact with. It felt amazing to get rid of those things. It’s not that I didn’t admire those memories, it was that I didn’t want to be pulled backwards any longer. Those memories are a reminder of where I once was. Not where I am headed.

Buy some plants and grow with them. Grow your roots into the ground and nourish together.

Don’t forget where you came from but also don’t let that hold you back. Grow. Find what you want to do and follow that. Buy some plants and make your life a bit more earthly. Find who you want to be and follow them down your own path.

Start wearing your glasses with pride because they made your eyes look like oceans.

This one’s a bit more centred towards my own life but honestly, wear what you have to wear with pride. Don’t hang your head and smile with your mouth closed. Braces and glasses and headgear and retainers aren’t there for anyone except you. Live your life and keep your chin up!

Wear whatever the fuck you want.

Wear the clothes that make you feel comfortable. If you want to wear makeup, wear it and if you don’t, then don’t wear it. You don’t have to dress to impress. Who are you trying to impress? No one’s comfort is more important than your own.

Don’t change the way you act for anybody, they won’t be worth it.

I can’t stress this one enough. Don’t change yourself for others. Please. Be who you want to be because there isn’t anyone else to be. Don’t let someone else’s ideas of who you should be effect you. Make your own decisions. If a boy doesn’t like the clothing you wear or how you don’t wear makeup, tell him to f*ck off. You don’t have to shave your legs. You don’t have to stop speaking your mind. Please, just be yourself.

When your friends make you feel invalid, speak your mind. Tell them. Make it known. They aren’t worth the relationship if they can’t accept you.

I get it. Telling your friends how they make you feel is really difficult. But it’s not okay for you to feel stuck being their friend. You are allowed to have opinions and be yourself. Tell them your likes/dislikes. Tell them your hobbies. Tell them about your dreams and fears. Tell them your secrets and your jokes. Tell them this and if they can’t accept you for those, then they aren’t worth your time. Please don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t care about you.

Tell your loved ones what’s going on because sometimes they know more than they’ve led you to believe.

It seems to be that those surrounding you tend to pick up on emotions and events more than you may think.

There’s definitely this unspoken rule of letting your loved ones come to you instead of bombarding them with questions. It’s totally okay to ask if someone is okay but don’t follow them around or make them uncomfortable. When they are ready, they will tell you and you can take the chance to tell them what you’ve noticed. Please let someone help you. You don’t have to suffer in silence.


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breathe?

breathe. 

find the world burning inside your mind 

the light is going out you are starting to die

lose the world in you viens 

no one cares about your feelings 

you are nothing 

who are you trying to be?

—-

breathe.

let your mind move on and break

crack in half and burn up in the atmosphere

you are nothing 

stardust melting 

in the firey hearts 

of those who want you dead

—-

breathe. 

who have you become: a monster

the ones under you bed

are nothing like the ones

you have become 

your mind, the devil

a grin forming at the though 

of a peaceful rest;

FINAL DEATH

—-

my world is ending and I am not sure where I am going from here,

the apocalypse and i was not prepared

but the underworld is life and i am living 

the world, upside down 

with life colours

a mess of sounds

—-

who am i becoming yet?