reasons.

I have struggled with finding the reasons for my recovery recently. It might have been due to the conclusion that being a touring photographer might not be the healthiest & recovery-centred career right now. It might have been the realization that late nights spend on buses instead of sleeping or driving for 7 hours, sleeping in the morning and working late into the evening, isn’t ideal. Maybe in the future but not in the Spring or the Summer or next Fall for that matter. A few years down the road when things are changing fully for the better and I’m no longer holding onto my demons in a way that “protects” my soul.

As I ponder these things, I create a list of Reasons To Recover. Something I should have made so long ago and sure I did, here and there. But this is concrete. This is real. This is why I need to continue to fight for my freedom.

  1. To return to school.

I was in a program that was detrimental to my mental health before this treatment visit. But I had also been accepted to a program to further my craft in digital media – something I so badly wanted to persue. For treatment, I had to withdraw from the program and have to reapply for next Fall. This time has given me the time to ponder on whether or not that is exactly what I want for my life.

2.  Be able to travel.

Something that has been a trigger for so long. Going on vacation has never felt like a vacation with constant thoughts of how to be productive, how to lose weight, how to restrict meals, how to hide my body. All of this energy put into “protecting” myself instead of enjoying what life has to offer. My dreams to travel to the UK and other countries have been put on the back burner for life because of this eating disorder. I know that not eating means I won’t have the energy to exist outside of my hotel room. So I leave this fear behind, and jump into wholesome recovery.

3. Regain interests I have left in the dust.

Yeah, that’s right, I had interests and hobbies once upon a time. Sometimes I forget that someone existed before my eating disorder but it’s true. There was once a girl who twirled in skirts and who smiled to light up a room and doubled over in laughter. And that girl, was me. I used to play guitar and sing all of the time; the radio was just really intense karaoke…I used to play soccer and basketball. I enjoyed snowboarding on days off and walking the dog with my parents. All of these things that I lost interest in because my eating disorder decided what was okay and to what intensity. I want that girl who laughs so hard her stomach muscles ache and twirls in skirts back. I want me back. And I’ll leave my eating disorder in the dust this time.

4. Experience and describe real emotions.

One of the biggest losses of this relapse is that I forgot what it felt like to feel real emotions. I hid behind my hair and sarcastic remarks. I listened to my thoughts when they told me to arrange my place setting properly and eating in alphabetical order and make sure my liquids were at matching amounts. It was exhausting and heart breaking and I saw it as a safety net. Nothing could go wrong if I did these things. I didn’t feel immense sadness or shame or guilt because everything I tried to control could be justified by any thought. I was using my wise mind against itself. Feelings aren’t meant to be buried and forgotten, they are meant to be felt and shown. So why did I try to suppress so much, for so long?

I write these reasons out as I dive back into the worksheets I need to complete. As I take time to think about all I have accomplished even while my demons have tried to silence my thoughts. I am no longer just a diagnosis or walking, talking zombie. I am a human. Almost 20 and still piecing myself back together. It might take some time but at least I’m starting to move forward. Again and again and again.

I will fight for this. 

‘And David danced before the Lord with all his might.’ (2 Samuel 6:14)

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pass.

I’m home. Oh boy, I am home. And I am terrified. A 48hr therapeutic pass is not how I wanted to spend the rest of the week but it’s also not something I wasn’t expecting. Yeah I’m struggling. But struggle is just another word for GROWTH. So I guess you could say that’s exactly what I am doing; growing. It only fits that the card I chose earlier this morning in Horticulture was “growth” and what I wrote while I had felt drawn to this card, speak for themselves. That’s the cool thing about vibes and stuff, they really speak to you when you need them to.

I guess it’s the same thing about God, eh? He’s there when you want him, and there when you might not but He doesn’t push His wisdom upon you. He lets you wander without worry or fear but He also lets you make choices that may make life harder. It’s all a learning process. Honestly I’m not processing as I write this post; something a staff member told me to do while I journaled during these next 48hrs.

While I recount today based on when I awoke to now @ 10:30pm, here are some victories I’d like to share and remember:

  • got out of bed and dressed before breakfast
  • wasn’t late for groups
  • took team meeting well and was mature about decision
  • called mom and asserted my needs about needing a ride home
  • figured out 2 days of meals & most of my pass plan for 48hrs
  • owned up to mistakes and told the rest of the community
  • fucking pissed ED off and ate dinner!!!!!
  • talked to mom in car about recovery needs/goals
  • went grocery shopping with mom
  • had snack on time (+extra fruit) cause hunger!!!!
  • felt full & planned on showering but instead did some work and didn’t isolate
  • used “check the facts” skill effectively
  • refrained from body checking in mirror when i went to shower
  • did not body check after shower or follow urges to find scale & weigh myself
  • did my laundry
  • took nighttime meds!!!!

Yes the car ride home was over 2 hours long and it pushed some things back but I still managed cause sometimes that’s what happens and you just gotta roll with the punches!! So yeah, ya gurl is back.

FUcking 4 hours home and the motivation is already building. Also did something cool and reached out to my youth leader, J, about coming by to talk/visit this weekend since I won’t have a pass once I am back!!!!

Also getting my hur did tomorrow morning #recoverygoals

 

/little/ girl.

I picture myself as a little girl, smiling…no…tight lipped, almost a frown and not happy being at school. A place I never really fit in but did I really fit in anywhere as a child? Camp? No. Home? No. With others? No. I guess there’s the answer. Constantly as a child I was condoned for being tall and slim. It was a constant compliment. And all I wanted to do was stay that way. So when the comments stopped, my first thought was to become small again. If I could just go back to being a little girl, others would want me present again. To be honest, thinking about those statements make me tear up. Is there trauma hidden behind that statement? Why am I no longer my parents little girl and why does that thought bother me sososo much?

I question this a lot now. Specifically the more I think about how much I dislike being stuck somewhere. Especially now that I don’t like being home. I can’t be a little girl when I constantly want to escape. Why do I want to escape from here so badly? What is keeping me stuck here like a magnet? A negative attraction that I so badly want to escape. What is this pull?

Recently my mum asked me about the underlying issues behind my eating disorder. Why had I turned to restricting so harshly and tearing my body apart all those years ago? Why did I start attacking my skin with a blade? Why was I so upset with myself? She thinks that I know the real reason and I’m not telling anyone. And as much as I almost wish that was the case, I know it not to be the truth. I wish I could understand why I am so anxious and paranoid all the time. I wish I could understand my feelings and thoughts and some how piece together this puzzle to reach an understanding.

What trauma did that little girl face all those years ago? What hit me so hard that my mind needed to hide me from it? What is my eating disorder protecting me from? All these questions I want to ask yet I am not sure I really want the answers to. Do I want to open this can of worms and reach around in the darkness? Not really. Do I want to stay invisible and long to be a little girl again but also long to escape from this city completely? No.

The more it weighs down on me, the more I become tight chested and choked up. It’s exhausting and emotionally testing to believe that something happened as a child that has caused me to become a shell of a person. I am no longer a shell but I am because all I want is to be their little girl again.

 

coping.

When I was in grade 12, I missed four months to attend a day treatment program at the local hospital. I can’t decide if the worst thing was the meals we were forced to eat or the groups we were forced to sit through. My least favourite group was called Coping With Chaos because we had to role-play scenarios we faced outside of program.

CHAOS. 

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Chaos is defined as:

a state of utter confusion OR a confused mass or mixture

These days, I’m not sure where I stand with coping. I definitely know where the chaos lies though. Everyday feels chaotic but that’s probably an exaggeration. Being realistic and taking a step back, I know that things are tough right now because the semester is ending, finals are in 2 weeks, and I have so much to do. Not the forget the fact that I have a “planned” relapse in the works; or not….

Coping Strategies. They come in all types of themes. There are the strategies where you sit down and comfort yourself but there are also the coping strategies where you push out of the comfort zone and complete something. I guess it also depends on what you are coping with. Here are some coping strategies that I have tried to use in the past.

1. Log out of social media, put on your favourite playlist (currently) and have a 10-sec dance party to let go off stress.

2. Snuggle up under the covers with Netflix and a cup of hot chocolate/tea.

3. Set a timer and see how many sudoku puzzles can be completed in 20 min. (My current score: 15)

4. Take a shower.

5. Get outside and walk to the park for a bit.

6. Block all distraction websites and write 2 pages of an assignment.

7. Clean your room.

8. Edit photos.

9. Watch funny/cute animal videos (x, x, x, x) or this.

10. Hold ice cubes in your hands.

11. Reach out to a friend or hotline (x, x, x)

You can find more resources here.


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