more harm. than good.

Self-harm manifests in multiple different ways.

My eating disorder is a form of self-harm. My anxiety caused me to fall into multiple patterns of self-harm. Nail biting, scratching, skin picking. The worst, by far, was cutting. My wrists are littered with scars still. At my worst, I didn’t see a way out. I couldn’t see myself reaching my 16th birthday. And then my 18th. I didn’t think I’d ever graduate high school. I constantly beat these doubts. I made it to my 19th birthday. I surpassed my expectations of living and reached new heights. I don’t know what this makes me. What does this mean?

I’ve always done more harm than good for my body. I’ve never thought about the repercussions of pushing my body or mind to exhaustion. However, I find myself here again and again. It’s just a new way that my self-harm is manifesting. A scary thought. I have yet to shake my self-harm in its entirety. I am afraid of missing out. A fear so bad that I constantly try to please everyone around me. I am trying to fight but I never want to let someone else down. It’s exhausting. I am so exhausted and I have no way to stop.

I am just 9 days from being 1 year self-harm free (in terms of cutting). Something I never thought would stop, stopped. Yes, I traded one method for another. It’s true. But I am stronger than I ever have been. A year and a half ago, Derek Saunders (Mayday Parade) wrote out a tattoo for me. On Monday, I have a consult for it to happen. I vowed that once I reached a year clean, I would get it. AND I AM. 

Countless relapses. Failed recovery attempts. Hundreds of appointments. Tons of clinical checks. Multiple doctors. Endless days. I want this to end so badly. And it will, eventually.

a searching.

Recently, I’ve been longing for some place to write. Share my dreams, thoughts, likes/dislikes. I have this vision for my future but it’s going to take a lot of time, patience and effort to reach that point of life. And to get there, I’ll have to give up parts of my life that I love just to find my own little piece of the universe. I have a lot of ideas that never get shared because to share them would be letting others in on what my mind looks like; a mess tbh. So this is a space for that I guess. My own space. My own piece of the universe.

I’m currently tucked into a small study space meant to be sat at but instead sitting on the table, my mother has just texted me to let me know that my pup was put down this morning, and I just failed a midterm. I guess you could say this is really not my day. But I take it all with a grain of salt because I know that everything happens for a reason and whatever this reason may be, I’ll roll with it. If I’ve learned anything in the past six years, it’s that rolling with what comes takes patience and strength yet in the long run it’s the best idea yet.

I am reaching a milestone in 2 weeks. In 2 weeks, I will be one year self-harm free. Ask me in high school, if I could have reached this and I would tell you it’s impossible. It still feels impossible. But I’m doing it. I’m reaching that point because I know I need to stop harming myself. It’s not to say that I’m anywhere ahead of where I’ve been the passed few years. My mental health; a mountain side of sheer ice and my ice picks are just barely breaking through right now. Who’s to say I won’t fall at any moment?

Yet here I am. Trying again and again. My dreams are not too far off. There is so much I am doing to grab just a little bit of the universe that I long for. Just under 10 months of 2017 left to get my start on things. I finally left the program I’ve been stuck in and got into my top college for next year. I’m still waiting on some other things right now but I am insanely excited for what is to come. The summer of adventures and road trips that I am planning. The year of self-recovery and exploration that I am taking. So much is happening and so much will happen.

It’s 2017 and I vow to live in the word of God. To live by his word and know that what happens is by His actions. I am only given what I can handle and if this is that, then that is His word and I will live by it.