are you there God, it’s me.

I started my journey for Christ in grade nine. I was originally looking for some friends as my mental health had kind of ruined that aspect in school so I turned to my families church as a crutch. Walking into the youth room one Sunday morning was a huge step for me and wasn’t really sure what I was going to find there. As it turns out, I found a community of people who didn’t judge me for being who I was then and that was a blessing. I needed that comfort. For a short while, that room was my little piece of the universe. I spent each week leading up to that day, knowing that I would be back in it’s safety eventually.

When I look back on my high school years, I wonder why my patience with Him and His grace dwindled. I wonder why I stopped believing in that place as a safe space. I am no longer friends  with those people I met there all those years ago. So much has changed since that time. Drifting from the church was one thing that I wish I could go back and stop myself from doing. As I find myself without a path to follow and a message to share with the world, I am lost again. Stuck in a dark tunnel with no light to bear witness to who I’d like to be.

My first youth leader was really cool. He helped me realize that God only put us through what he knew we could handle. We learned about his message through wisdom and grace. We read, shared, loved, smiled, laughed, and cried; all within the comfort of that room in the basement. Eventually he moved on and became a pastor somewhere else. My second youth leader wasn’t as cool and I probably stopped attending Sundays as a result of that. It wasn’t the same and no one from the previous year was coming anymore so I decided I shouldn’t either; a mistake I wish I hadn’t made. My final youth leader was cool. I went back in grade 12 when I was searching for something of substance to get me through the weeks of uncertainty I was facing at the time. On Thursdays, I went after dinner and played board games and laughed. On Sundays, I learned about the path I could be on. It was helping and I felt like I had somewhere to belong.

When one door closes, another door opens. A motto I try to live by. Recently though, a lot of doors have started to close and I feel very stuck. The people who I surrounded myself with throughout high school are no longer apart of my life (for good reason) and I am trying to find out where I am supposed to be going. I long to share my story,  my journey with the world. The ups and downs that taught me what I know now. I didn’t give up when the light went out and the world turned upside down. I persevered. Over and over again.

I want God in my life for good this time. But I’m not quite sure where to find Him. That church is no longer a place of comfort and care, like it once was. My journey into His grace will continue as I find a new space in the universe where I am comfortable as myself, once again.