time.

It’s been awhile…probably not the amount of time most people would start a blog post with but for me, a week is a long time. A lot can happen in a week. My mood can soar, dip and maintain; all in a week. Why? Why has it been awhile? Why have I not been here? I guess the simple answer is: time. I have no time right now. I guess that is technically a lie since I watched Greys Anatomy all day instead of studying for either of my finals but who cares….

This past weekend was Easter Sunday. I know…a really important weekend in the Christian faith. And I even pondered the idea of attending church on Sunday morning since I missed the Good Friday service at my church. However I don’t really view it as ‘my’ church anymore and I have yet to find a church that makes me feel comfortable so right now I am “churchless” and that’s okay. I am not without God even though I don’t belong to a congregation. That’s not how this works. Instead, Sunday morning I woke up and went downtown to the local children’s hospital and visited a friend who was admitted earlier in the weekend. And I think God might have been okay with that because instead of sitting in a pew praying for myself, I was sitting bedside praying for my friend. So I think it’s alright.

Time. I’ve been taking a lot of time for myself recently. 

I’m not sure I find the same solace in my friends as I used to and this scares me. We are drifting and yet I am somehow okay with it. I have spent so much time fighting against God and what He has planned for me that I forgot to listen to His messages. And there have been messages. Like the pit I get in my stomach before I get home and my parents are upset with me, or the headaches I get when my mental health is sinking. All these signs are because God is helping me find my path. He knows that in order for me to be happy, I need to attend the school that is right for me and that might mean not getting into the University my parents would rather I attend. I am grateful for the love and support that He gives me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I have been taking time and it is helping me. I am realizing what I want and who I would like to become. I know now that I need to better myself as a human being. Instead of doing things to better myself, I need to help better others. It’s not a one-man show, it’s a community play and I am ready for that. I want to lead a life worth living and that might mean finding the strength to let my parents meet the real me.

It’s strange to try and separate the two sides of my life but depending on who’s around, that is who they see. A half person. Lonely and half-filled, while I long for more. I recently bought a ticket to a concert in a city 7hrs away (in another country) where I will drive to with a friend. And I haven’t told my parents. At first, I blamed the fact that Mercury was in Retrograde (I believe in it) but I know that it was more of God’s plan. He knows that no matter how much my parents love me, they need to start letting go of the control and this is the first step. I believe that I am living for Him. Not my parents and not my friends or professors or even really me. I know that I need to stop working against His word because he has a plan. 

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. – Psalms 16:11

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. – James 1:5

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intentions.

I just received an email from my school regarding courses for next Fall. I laughed. I don’t think I’ll be needing those. My school calls them “Course Intentions”, like what we intend to take in the coming semester if we don’t flunk out or fail something. I think it’s hilarious right now. My intentions are forever changing. Daily.

I’m making a change next year, therefore I do not need to choose my courses. If it was up to me, I would drop out of university and take some time to focus on myself. I would enter a treatment facility and get a job and take my mental health more seriously. Unfortunately, I don’t have the power to do that right now. I’m a second year Child and Youth Care student (not the same as ECE – I swear). I am a second year student who’s giving up all that hard work to attend art school. Imagine my parents (who are both lawyers) opinion on this ??!

Art school. Somewhere to learn to express myself while also creating a business out of it. This decision has to do with my end goal. My life plan of starting my own music venue that doubles as an outreach centre for youth. Sounds so far away but with everyday that I learn something about the music industry or how to work with youth, I am getting a step closer to that goal.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the University I applied to. It seems annoying and silly because I’ve already been accepted to my top choice. A digital communications program at the college just an hour away. But my parents (again, lawyers – ugh) want their daughter to attend a University and receive a degree. Fun Fact: My college program is four years in which I’ll receive a degree at the end. So maybe it’s not about where you get your education. Or where you work. Or who hires you. Maybe it’s about more than that. Maybe it’s about being happy on your path through life.

Life is this journey. And I think we all just pretend that we know what’s really going on. But the truth is? Life is different for everyone. It’s constantly changing and morphing into something else. There’s no world where we don’t face difference and pain and truth. This is the universe that we were given. It’s all that we have. So why fight what the universe has planned for us? I chose art school over community services. I want to produce art whether it be on a screen or a stage. I want to make people happy. I want to find those who don’t like they fit and make sure that they know there’s a place here for them.

It took me years to realize that I could do something with the art I made. I wanted a way to connect my love for live music and my passion for photography. But I didn’t know how to get involved. No one teaches you that. It’s all about the lock and key of the universe. In a rapidly moving industry, it’s about the people you know, and I didn’t know anyone. That’s a different that I’ll tell eventually.

Intentions. We all have them. We all want to do something with them. Sometimes it just takes a bit longer than we want it to. Setbacks happen. It’s okay. We move on. Forward. Leave the past where it belongs, behind us. I’m still facing setbacks. It’s true. And I’m not quite sure when they’re going to stop. But I know that I can’t stop fighting them. I’m going to break through and when I do, I’m going to know what my intentions were. 

direction.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching recently. In a rather abrupt turn of events, I realized my draw towards life and love is lacking. I am disconnected from the universe. I want more. I want love and wisdom and strength and courage. I want to give myself to the Lord, a saviour, to move forward. It’s hard to be stuck here. I reached out a Rev yesterday in search of some direction.

When I was seven or eight, I attended a Baptist overnight camp. The place I was at during the summer was a religious area and each camp was run by a different denomination however there were no United camps so I was sent with my cousins to that one. I was given a Bible on the first day of the week and we did a bible study every morning and evening before bed. Everything was tied back to the message of the Lord. I only attended for two summers before going to a camp with no religious ties. Sometimes I wish I had stayed there and worked with my journey but I realize this was a stepping stone in my story that I needed to follow.

Yesterday, I messaged my old youth pastor who lives in another city nowadays and asked for some direction as to what kind of bible may be good in terms of searching for some direction while making my way through recovery from an eating disorder. He told me that I had made his day because of this. Because I was reaching out and asking for guidance from someone who has devoted his life to serving God in one of the highest ways. I want to believe that the Lord wants me in His life the way that I want Him in mine. The Rev directed me towards a ‘message’ Bible or ‘study’ Bible. I’m sure to him it doesn’t mean much more than someone wanting to follow in the word of God. But for me, it’s direction. I am so lost right now. I’m not quite sure what I am going to be doing next week or next year but I know that God can be a part of my life and that means so much.

I wasn’t baptized until grade 11. My parents decided to let my siblings and I decide if we wanted to be a part of a faithful community and I am happy that they did. I don’t believe I would have found God if I had been forced into his word from the beginning. I am happy that I was fortunate to make that decision on my own. My decision to get baptized didn’t come hastily. It took a lot of careful thought and discussion. It wasn’t until after all of my friends continued through their journey with Christ through Confirmation that I realized I wanted that life, however I didn’t have the time in my schedule. I still have a chance to be Confirmed and I want to be. I want this life. I want to give my life to the Lord and follow him in life.

It’s hard to explain what’s been going on recently. A lot of time spent wondering where I am going on this path I am walking. I want to be free and happy and strong. I want so much for the universe, I’m just not sure how to do it yet.