direction.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching recently. In a rather abrupt turn of events, I realized my draw towards life and love is lacking. I am disconnected from the universe. I want more. I want love and wisdom and strength and courage. I want to give myself to the Lord, a saviour, to move forward. It’s hard to be stuck here. I reached out a Rev yesterday in search of some direction.

When I was seven or eight, I attended a Baptist overnight camp. The place I was at during the summer was a religious area and each camp was run by a different denomination however there were no United camps so I was sent with my cousins to that one. I was given a Bible on the first day of the week and we did a bible study every morning and evening before bed. Everything was tied back to the message of the Lord. I only attended for two summers before going to a camp with no religious ties. Sometimes I wish I had stayed there and worked with my journey but I realize this was a stepping stone in my story that I needed to follow.

Yesterday, I messaged my old youth pastor who lives in another city nowadays and asked for some direction as to what kind of bible may be good in terms of searching for some direction while making my way through recovery from an eating disorder. He told me that I had made his day because of this. Because I was reaching out and asking for guidance from someone who has devoted his life to serving God in one of the highest ways. I want to believe that the Lord wants me in His life the way that I want Him in mine. The Rev directed me towards a ‘message’ Bible or ‘study’ Bible. I’m sure to him it doesn’t mean much more than someone wanting to follow in the word of God. But for me, it’s direction. I am so lost right now. I’m not quite sure what I am going to be doing next week or next year but I know that God can be a part of my life and that means so much.

I wasn’t baptized until grade 11. My parents decided to let my siblings and I decide if we wanted to be a part of a faithful community and I am happy that they did. I don’t believe I would have found God if I had been forced into his word from the beginning. I am happy that I was fortunate to make that decision on my own. My decision to get baptized didn’t come hastily. It took a lot of careful thought and discussion. It wasn’t until after all of my friends continued through their journey with Christ through Confirmation that I realized I wanted that life, however I didn’t have the time in my schedule. I still have a chance to be Confirmed and I want to be. I want this life. I want to give my life to the Lord and follow him in life.

It’s hard to explain what’s been going on recently. A lot of time spent wondering where I am going on this path I am walking. I want to be free and happy and strong. I want so much for the universe, I’m just not sure how to do it yet.