Today I am going to write the way I have not been able to write in the past few weeks; honestly.
I went to a meeting this evening, only knowing a few familiar faces. I am new to sobriety. No matter how many months I have under my belt, I do not consider myself significantly sober nor do I think I may ever. Tomorrow is my 6 months sober. Something I definitely never saw coming before today. These past months have been just that, the past. I can no longer look back and think about all the things that I did wrong because those cannot be changed.
Tonight, I opened up about something I had been dealing with for weeks, maybe even months; willfulness.
I have been halfassing my sobriety for months now. There is no other way to put it. In treatment, I was only sober because I had to be. Honestly that was the only thing that kept me from picking up a drink. And after that, it’s only been because of the amount of time that has lapsed since I stopped. But back to the willfulness okay?
My sobriety has not been about taking my will back from a higher power. It has been blaming every bad thing that comes to me on someone else. I have blamed my family for all my shortcomings. I blamed my early discharge on my lack of control & the team for believing my lies about being safe that weekend. I blamed my parents for the lack of control I have in my life right now. I blamed my friends for wanting to drink at a party. I blamed the guy who brought his beer into the crowd. I have blamed everyone except myself and my addictions for my own shortcomings.
These past two weeks have certainly not been easy AND I have not done anything to make it easier on myself. I have purposely put myself in vulnerable situations and continued to risk my sobriety for others to have a good time. No matter how many times I try to justify my actions, there is no good that comes from any situation.
On Friday, I attended a friends birthday party knowing alcohol would be available. And although I can attest to staying dry, I did use as a way of feeling something else.
On Saturday, I attended an all ages concert knowing alcohol would be available. And although I did keep my sobriety, I was offered it multiple times. I know that without the friends who knew of my sobriety being there, I probably would have accepted it.
On Sunday, I celebrated my birthday with 10 other people of whom I was the only sober person and decided upon as the designated drive. I did keep my sobriety but not without constant thoughts of relapse.
Finally tonight, I got myself to a meeting where I honestly shared these faults with others at AA. I shared about my shortcomings, the untimely struggles of my sobriety, and my lack of willingness to commit fully to the program. Sharing is hard. I don’t enjoy sharing my struggles with others.
Step 3 is accepting the help of God or of a higher power. I like to pretend that I have done so, yet I struggle to ask for support when needed. I can only fully commit to this rigorous program when I start to work wholeheartedly towards my own sobriety. This belief that all is well if I attend meetings and admit my powerlessness goes nowhere if I don’t work towards a better life value.
Today I am accepting the help I deserve. Today I am making a self-conscious decision to stay sober. Today I am grateful to be sober.
Gratitude List (December 25, 2017):
- Tonight’s meeting
- The ride home a kind soul gave me
- My warm bed
- A hot meal
- My sobriety
“Cast all you anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:7
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” – Philippians 4:13