unknown.

I keep searching for somewhere to go or someone else to become because I’m not happy in my current situation. Sounds big headed or close minded when I think about it in depth. But I am truly unhappy with my current standings in this universe. It could be from many factors though:

  1. I just took a 9-5 summer job working in an office deleting data.
  2. I’m 19, living at home and I still have to ask for permission before I go anywhere.
  3. I am in school.

No matter how grateful I am for all of these opportunities, there is so much of the universe I have yet to find and I feel trapped because of those factors. I want to travel across Canada and visit the West Coast. I have dreams to visit multiple National and Provincial Parks. I want to tour with bands and sell merch. I want to get my photography published. I want to take photographs for magazines and websites and companies. I want to live a life worth fulfilling.

But I am not there yet. And I know that I should look at everything happening right now as a stepping stone in the river of my life. God is sending me in this direction because something good will come from it. However, sometimes it feels like I’m being tossed off the side of a mountain. With every fight my father and I have over a concert or travelling to a new place. With every night that I don’t sleep and every class I am too tired to attend. The world feels like it’s ending and I so badly want to escape.

So where is the escape hatch? Where is my little pod to eject off the side of this planet? How do I get away?

The answer is: I don’t. 

Is it even possible to be somewhere you didn’t choose to be? I guess that’s the thing with making choices. Until you are an adult and you have cut ties from your parents in financial ways ????

I guess I have to trust Him for this path. Someone once told me that if God didn’t want me to go in one direction, it would be difficult to get there. I wish I could trust in that thought but there is so much left for me to do and being held back due to career or family isn’t something I can dig. I am grateful for all that my family has provided me with yet I so dearly want to discover the universe on my own terms.

I want to visit multiple parts of Southern Canada this summer and I’ve got plans to do it. I have two weeks between my last exam and my first day of work. I have about sixteen weekends to explore the universe before I enter a new part of my life. School.

I’ve been thinking about how I want to fill my time these days. As I write this, I am sitting in my teenage bedroom surrounded by walls; half torn down, on my bed. I recently had some friends over who commented on the fact that I still sleep in a single bed. As if it mattered? As if I should sleep in a bigger bed now? Where do these ideas come from? If I purchased a larger bed, I wouldn’t have as much room for my desk and record player and book shelves and guitar. All these things that seem so small and unimportant but they mean something to me. Crazy…I know.

So I took this summer job and I changed my availability to be able to explore the universe but I did it to create some relationship with my parents again. A relationship that I have been tearing apart since grade nine. And it’s not like it was very strong before that anyway. Sad. A lot has happened since I found God and a home within His universe. Sometimes I’m not sure I am wanted by Him either but I know I have a place somewhere. I guess it will just take some time to find that place.


Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. – Matthew 6:34

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change. And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea. – Psalm 46:2

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change.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a list called ‘A List of Change‘ and it feels more relevant now then it did before. I wrote this a couple months after leaving treatment for the second time and not knowing what I was going to do. The universe is huge and this is my way of making my place known.


Change your surroundings, move away, change of scenery is always good.

This could be moving away or moving things around. This could be going on a road trip or plane ride. This could be changing schools. A breath of fresh air and time and life. Take charge. Let go. Find some piece of universe for yourself.

Cut your hair short, so short that you cut away all the bad and only leave the good.

I so badly want to cut the negativity out of my life. Leave it in the dust. Behind. Goodbye. It’s not that easy, I know. But I can make it easier than I have been. Hair holds this weight that you don’t need anymore. Leave it on the floor and grow out of what you are leaving behind. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THINGS BEHIND.

Give away the clutter. Give away the trinkets from all the bad years.

I’m not going to lie, I am somewhat of a hoarder. I keep everything. Movie tickets, tests from high school, pens that long ago ran out of ink. It’s all in my bed room. Why? Because I might need it some day? In reality, I’ll probably never need that math test I flunked in grade 8 or the dirty bandana I wore tied around my arm when I visited Nicaragua in grade 10. It’s all just material items that I am so tied to that I don’t want to get rid of. But materialistic items aren’t what I need to keep, it’s the memories I am refreshed with every time I come across something from years ago.

Contrary to whatever you may believe, getting rid of these items won’t get rid of the memories. So make some room, you’ve got adventures to take and memories to make!

Strip the walls of all the memories and posters you’ve held onto for so long.

My walls were plastered with posters and memories throughout high school. In grade 10/11, I had a mild obsession with Demi Lovato and covered an entire wall with photos of her and her lyrics. In grade 12, I ripped that down and started over with bands that meant a lot too me and art work that either I loved or I had created. It was a masterpiece within itself. By first year, I decided to change that again and ripped it down. My walls are bare now, except for the dried tack on the walls that wouldn’t come off easily.

I wanted those memories gone. The ‘Stay Strong’ taped above my bed for the multiple rough nights, the pyramid of positive quotes, the photos with people I was no longer in contact with. It felt amazing to get rid of those things. It’s not that I didn’t admire those memories, it was that I didn’t want to be pulled backwards any longer. Those memories are a reminder of where I once was. Not where I am headed.

Buy some plants and grow with them. Grow your roots into the ground and nourish together.

Don’t forget where you came from but also don’t let that hold you back. Grow. Find what you want to do and follow that. Buy some plants and make your life a bit more earthly. Find who you want to be and follow them down your own path.

Start wearing your glasses with pride because they made your eyes look like oceans.

This one’s a bit more centred towards my own life but honestly, wear what you have to wear with pride. Don’t hang your head and smile with your mouth closed. Braces and glasses and headgear and retainers aren’t there for anyone except you. Live your life and keep your chin up!

Wear whatever the fuck you want.

Wear the clothes that make you feel comfortable. If you want to wear makeup, wear it and if you don’t, then don’t wear it. You don’t have to dress to impress. Who are you trying to impress? No one’s comfort is more important than your own.

Don’t change the way you act for anybody, they won’t be worth it.

I can’t stress this one enough. Don’t change yourself for others. Please. Be who you want to be because there isn’t anyone else to be. Don’t let someone else’s ideas of who you should be effect you. Make your own decisions. If a boy doesn’t like the clothing you wear or how you don’t wear makeup, tell him to f*ck off. You don’t have to shave your legs. You don’t have to stop speaking your mind. Please, just be yourself.

When your friends make you feel invalid, speak your mind. Tell them. Make it known. They aren’t worth the relationship if they can’t accept you.

I get it. Telling your friends how they make you feel is really difficult. But it’s not okay for you to feel stuck being their friend. You are allowed to have opinions and be yourself. Tell them your likes/dislikes. Tell them your hobbies. Tell them about your dreams and fears. Tell them your secrets and your jokes. Tell them this and if they can’t accept you for those, then they aren’t worth your time. Please don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t care about you.

Tell your loved ones what’s going on because sometimes they know more than they’ve led you to believe.

It seems to be that those surrounding you tend to pick up on emotions and events more than you may think.

There’s definitely this unspoken rule of letting your loved ones come to you instead of bombarding them with questions. It’s totally okay to ask if someone is okay but don’t follow them around or make them uncomfortable. When they are ready, they will tell you and you can take the chance to tell them what you’ve noticed. Please let someone help you. You don’t have to suffer in silence.


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intentions.

I just received an email from my school regarding courses for next Fall. I laughed. I don’t think I’ll be needing those. My school calls them “Course Intentions”, like what we intend to take in the coming semester if we don’t flunk out or fail something. I think it’s hilarious right now. My intentions are forever changing. Daily.

I’m making a change next year, therefore I do not need to choose my courses. If it was up to me, I would drop out of university and take some time to focus on myself. I would enter a treatment facility and get a job and take my mental health more seriously. Unfortunately, I don’t have the power to do that right now. I’m a second year Child and Youth Care student (not the same as ECE – I swear). I am a second year student who’s giving up all that hard work to attend art school. Imagine my parents (who are both lawyers) opinion on this ??!

Art school. Somewhere to learn to express myself while also creating a business out of it. This decision has to do with my end goal. My life plan of starting my own music venue that doubles as an outreach centre for youth. Sounds so far away but with everyday that I learn something about the music industry or how to work with youth, I am getting a step closer to that goal.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the University I applied to. It seems annoying and silly because I’ve already been accepted to my top choice. A digital communications program at the college just an hour away. But my parents (again, lawyers – ugh) want their daughter to attend a University and receive a degree. Fun Fact: My college program is four years in which I’ll receive a degree at the end. So maybe it’s not about where you get your education. Or where you work. Or who hires you. Maybe it’s about more than that. Maybe it’s about being happy on your path through life.

Life is this journey. And I think we all just pretend that we know what’s really going on. But the truth is? Life is different for everyone. It’s constantly changing and morphing into something else. There’s no world where we don’t face difference and pain and truth. This is the universe that we were given. It’s all that we have. So why fight what the universe has planned for us? I chose art school over community services. I want to produce art whether it be on a screen or a stage. I want to make people happy. I want to find those who don’t like they fit and make sure that they know there’s a place here for them.

It took me years to realize that I could do something with the art I made. I wanted a way to connect my love for live music and my passion for photography. But I didn’t know how to get involved. No one teaches you that. It’s all about the lock and key of the universe. In a rapidly moving industry, it’s about the people you know, and I didn’t know anyone. That’s a different that I’ll tell eventually.

Intentions. We all have them. We all want to do something with them. Sometimes it just takes a bit longer than we want it to. Setbacks happen. It’s okay. We move on. Forward. Leave the past where it belongs, behind us. I’m still facing setbacks. It’s true. And I’m not quite sure when they’re going to stop. But I know that I can’t stop fighting them. I’m going to break through and when I do, I’m going to know what my intentions were. 

direction.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching recently. In a rather abrupt turn of events, I realized my draw towards life and love is lacking. I am disconnected from the universe. I want more. I want love and wisdom and strength and courage. I want to give myself to the Lord, a saviour, to move forward. It’s hard to be stuck here. I reached out a Rev yesterday in search of some direction.

When I was seven or eight, I attended a Baptist overnight camp. The place I was at during the summer was a religious area and each camp was run by a different denomination however there were no United camps so I was sent with my cousins to that one. I was given a Bible on the first day of the week and we did a bible study every morning and evening before bed. Everything was tied back to the message of the Lord. I only attended for two summers before going to a camp with no religious ties. Sometimes I wish I had stayed there and worked with my journey but I realize this was a stepping stone in my story that I needed to follow.

Yesterday, I messaged my old youth pastor who lives in another city nowadays and asked for some direction as to what kind of bible may be good in terms of searching for some direction while making my way through recovery from an eating disorder. He told me that I had made his day because of this. Because I was reaching out and asking for guidance from someone who has devoted his life to serving God in one of the highest ways. I want to believe that the Lord wants me in His life the way that I want Him in mine. The Rev directed me towards a ‘message’ Bible or ‘study’ Bible. I’m sure to him it doesn’t mean much more than someone wanting to follow in the word of God. But for me, it’s direction. I am so lost right now. I’m not quite sure what I am going to be doing next week or next year but I know that God can be a part of my life and that means so much.

I wasn’t baptized until grade 11. My parents decided to let my siblings and I decide if we wanted to be a part of a faithful community and I am happy that they did. I don’t believe I would have found God if I had been forced into his word from the beginning. I am happy that I was fortunate to make that decision on my own. My decision to get baptized didn’t come hastily. It took a lot of careful thought and discussion. It wasn’t until after all of my friends continued through their journey with Christ through Confirmation that I realized I wanted that life, however I didn’t have the time in my schedule. I still have a chance to be Confirmed and I want to be. I want this life. I want to give my life to the Lord and follow him in life.

It’s hard to explain what’s been going on recently. A lot of time spent wondering where I am going on this path I am walking. I want to be free and happy and strong. I want so much for the universe, I’m just not sure how to do it yet.

are you there God, it’s me.

I started my journey for Christ in grade nine. I was originally looking for some friends as my mental health had kind of ruined that aspect in school so I turned to my families church as a crutch. Walking into the youth room one Sunday morning was a huge step for me and wasn’t really sure what I was going to find there. As it turns out, I found a community of people who didn’t judge me for being who I was then and that was a blessing. I needed that comfort. For a short while, that room was my little piece of the universe. I spent each week leading up to that day, knowing that I would be back in it’s safety eventually.

When I look back on my high school years, I wonder why my patience with Him and His grace dwindled. I wonder why I stopped believing in that place as a safe space. I am no longer friends  with those people I met there all those years ago. So much has changed since that time. Drifting from the church was one thing that I wish I could go back and stop myself from doing. As I find myself without a path to follow and a message to share with the world, I am lost again. Stuck in a dark tunnel with no light to bear witness to who I’d like to be.

My first youth leader was really cool. He helped me realize that God only put us through what he knew we could handle. We learned about his message through wisdom and grace. We read, shared, loved, smiled, laughed, and cried; all within the comfort of that room in the basement. Eventually he moved on and became a pastor somewhere else. My second youth leader wasn’t as cool and I probably stopped attending Sundays as a result of that. It wasn’t the same and no one from the previous year was coming anymore so I decided I shouldn’t either; a mistake I wish I hadn’t made. My final youth leader was cool. I went back in grade 12 when I was searching for something of substance to get me through the weeks of uncertainty I was facing at the time. On Thursdays, I went after dinner and played board games and laughed. On Sundays, I learned about the path I could be on. It was helping and I felt like I had somewhere to belong.

When one door closes, another door opens. A motto I try to live by. Recently though, a lot of doors have started to close and I feel very stuck. The people who I surrounded myself with throughout high school are no longer apart of my life (for good reason) and I am trying to find out where I am supposed to be going. I long to share my story,  my journey with the world. The ups and downs that taught me what I know now. I didn’t give up when the light went out and the world turned upside down. I persevered. Over and over again.

I want God in my life for good this time. But I’m not quite sure where to find Him. That church is no longer a place of comfort and care, like it once was. My journey into His grace will continue as I find a new space in the universe where I am comfortable as myself, once again.

a searching.

Recently, I’ve been longing for some place to write. Share my dreams, thoughts, likes/dislikes. I have this vision for my future but it’s going to take a lot of time, patience and effort to reach that point of life. And to get there, I’ll have to give up parts of my life that I love just to find my own little piece of the universe. I have a lot of ideas that never get shared because to share them would be letting others in on what my mind looks like; a mess tbh. So this is a space for that I guess. My own space. My own piece of the universe.

I’m currently tucked into a small study space meant to be sat at but instead sitting on the table, my mother has just texted me to let me know that my pup was put down this morning, and I just failed a midterm. I guess you could say this is really not my day. But I take it all with a grain of salt because I know that everything happens for a reason and whatever this reason may be, I’ll roll with it. If I’ve learned anything in the past six years, it’s that rolling with what comes takes patience and strength yet in the long run it’s the best idea yet.

I am reaching a milestone in 2 weeks. In 2 weeks, I will be one year self-harm free. Ask me in high school, if I could have reached this and I would tell you it’s impossible. It still feels impossible. But I’m doing it. I’m reaching that point because I know I need to stop harming myself. It’s not to say that I’m anywhere ahead of where I’ve been the passed few years. My mental health; a mountain side of sheer ice and my ice picks are just barely breaking through right now. Who’s to say I won’t fall at any moment?

Yet here I am. Trying again and again. My dreams are not too far off. There is so much I am doing to grab just a little bit of the universe that I long for. Just under 10 months of 2017 left to get my start on things. I finally left the program I’ve been stuck in and got into my top college for next year. I’m still waiting on some other things right now but I am insanely excited for what is to come. The summer of adventures and road trips that I am planning. The year of self-recovery and exploration that I am taking. So much is happening and so much will happen.

It’s 2017 and I vow to live in the word of God. To live by his word and know that what happens is by His actions. I am only given what I can handle and if this is that, then that is His word and I will live by it.